drear | your quiet eyes, your mouth that never tells lies.

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your quiet eyes, your mouth that never tells lies.

[ after school, it hadn't been that hard to leave the country. he was a legal adult, after all, and einsturzen's education wasn't all for nothing. speaking different languages is helpful when you're on the move. eventually, heine had found that being able to handle a gun is useful on a whole other level.

he's back on a visit from the darker sides of europe, somewhat more scarred, a little harder around the edges. but the red string that had showed up when he came of age was pulling, more tightly and more insistently than before. heine had been able to ignore it for years (longer than most), but when it was more of a distraction than he could afford, he'd gone to follow it...

...all the way back to his hometown. expecting the string to lead him away, and just inside the borders, he hasn't told anyone he's back, but he's not exactly hiding, either. ]

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[She knows he's watching her, inspecting her, and she finally understands what people mean when they say they feel like they're naked and being examined with a magnifying glass. It isn't entirely comfortable, but she isn't completely bothered by it, because this is Heine. Her friend, her--

Nill looks up from the string, because she doesn't know how to finish that thought yet.

A smile does work its way to her lips though. She leans forward, reaching under the coffee table to pull out a stack of books. They're all about social work and child psychology and such.]

[ he pulls a few of the books towards him so he can read the covers and titles. they're not topics that interest him, but he can easily imagine Nill studying them. ]

Do you like it?

[ he wants, more than anything, for her to be happy. (Heine has spent his years in Europe destroying others and himself.)

flipping open one of the textbooks idly, he pages through it, reading some of the text. ]

[She doesn't read over his shoulder. She already knows these books, cover to cover. Nill doesn't go out much--it's hard to be social when you can only communicate via text messages and sign language. She didn't want to give out her number for the former and few people knew the latter. It was just easier to stay in (even if her roommate gave her a lot of flak for it).

Her nod is immediate. She does, really. She's always wanted to be able to help people, and, well, children seemed the most logical place to start. Without even thinking, she scoots a little closer to him so she can let her head rest on his shoulder. The thread catches her eye again and she turns pink again, but hopes he's too invested in the texts to notice.]

[ it's a callback to the academia that he left behind what seems like a very long time ago. now, most of his time is taken up by his job. ]

That's good.

[ especially because it's a calling that is good, not only good for her. he turns the page just as Nill leans against him, and goes still on instinct.

he relaxes quickly, though, and shifts so that she can rest her head more comfortably. she's closer than Heine lets anybody else get. ]

[She wonders, briefly, if she's done something wrong. But then he's moving, accommodating her, and her fears disappear. Nill's wings flutter along with her heart, and she settles in beside him with a little nod. Yes, it was good. It was good because she was doing something she saw as meaningful, and that was what mattered the most.

Her eyes flick up towards his face and she can't stop herself from gesturing to him. What had he been doing, is what she wants to know.]

Me? What've I been doing?

[ he looks away, not quite embarrassed but not wanting to share the exact nature of his occupation. ]

I have a job, so mostly that. It's...

[ well. it's hurting people. ]

...it's work. I'm good at it.

[Her wings rustle behind her. He's keeping something from her, that much is obvious. But--she doesn't want to pry. It was so easy for Heine to shut down once someone started to ask too many questions, and even with the thread connecting them now, Nill wasn't sure if she could be an exception.

It hurt a little. She shoved the feeling away.

Instead she smiles, looking up at him. Good, he was obviously taking care of himself, which was all that should matter to her. She lets out a relieved sigh, sinking back into the couch and putting slightly more weight on his shoulder.]

[ he smiles back, apologetically. he wants to tell her the truth, but he knows if he does that she'll feel most likely worse.

so instead, Heine stays silent. ]

I'll have to go back. Eventually.

[ he adjusts to her weight, and cautiously places his hand on top of hers. he doesn't know what to do, and while it's a change from what he's been doing, it's in some ways much better. ]

[Eventually is such an open word. It could mean in two days or two years. But--he's holding her hand, and she's going to take advantage of however much time she does have with him.

Nill nods, letting him know that she understands. Whatever he'd been doing, it probably took up a lot of his time. And she--well, she doesn't want to think about where she might or might not fit into his life. She turns her hand so she can lace her fingers with his.]

You probably wouldn't want to be there.

[ even though he wants, selfishly, for her to be there anyway. but he knows that it would be too dangerous and too risky for them both, so he'll have to settle for however much time he can spend here.

Heine slips his fingers between hers, and pulls her hand slightly closer. he wants to stay, but that's too selfish, too. ]

[He's wrong, she thinks. He'll be there, which means she does want to. She doesn't know what he does, recognizes on some level that whatever it is, it's probably dangerous and possibly not entirely legal--but he's Heine (her Heine now, she thinks, eyes finding the thread again, tracing its path to his hand). But if she knew, she'd tell him it was okay to be selfish. In a way, she's being selfish, too. Wanting to up and leave like this. She thinks so, anyway.

Nill doesn't know what else to do but smile at him, head tilted back slightly, trying to let him know that she would go if he'd just ask her.]

[ the thing is is that he knows he can ask, and she'll do whatever he asks — and that scares him.

instead of thinking about that, he lifts his hand, and by extension hers, to put them into his lap. the thread between their fingers hums, delighted by their contact. ]

Should we...

[ kiss, he means, because that is what the thread is for. but never mind what he does for a job — he's still unwilling, or maybe unsure to say it. ]

[She doesn't consider that it might frighten him. All she knows is that if he wants her with him, she'll be there.

The urge to wiggle her fingers at the humming is strong, but she resists. She doesn't want to startle him. Instead, her cheeks flush again at the unfinished inquiry. Her mind isn't on his work anymore, and her eyes automatically drop to his mouth. She wants to nod, but she's too shy to.]

[ Heine might blush, if he were the type to. instead, he looks down at the floor. ]

Can I?

[ way to skip around the subject, Heine. still, he's gentle while he looks back up. ]

[Part of Nill can't believe that this is happening. He's asked if he can kiss her, and it's incredibly endearing. She smiles widely to herself, not able to hide the expression once he finally looks at her again. She straightens slightly, lifting her head from his shoulder, and nods. Nill has never actually been kissed before, but doesn't make the same assumption about him (as much as it makes her stomach flip). He's been away, after all.]

[ he has, in fact, kissed someone. it was more of an accident than anything. the kind of parties that the people who hire him tend to throw involve more crowds than he'd like, and more touching than he'd prefer. still — it wasn't a very good kiss, all things considered.

so here's hoping that this one is better.

Heine's hand twitches slightly before he gets it under control, and quite slowly and deliberately he leans towards her. his eyes are almost-closed when his mouth brushes against hers, soft and hesitant. ]

[She wouldn't even know where to begin with what makes a good or bad kiss. But she does know that he's moving towards her incredibly slowly and she isn't sure what the purpose of it is except to build suspense. And maybe give her a few seconds to prepare herself, which is just fine.

She leaves her eyes open, thinking that closing them seems silly. Why wouldn't she watch him? And then he's actually kissing her (so lightly she can hardly feel it really) and it feels--nice. She thinks. There isn't exactly much for her to go on. So without any kind of cue she leans forward, wanting to see if she'll be able to decide whether or not this is pleasant by adding a little pressure.]

[ Heine is very careful to not startle her. maybe a little bit too careful, actually — he's just too nervous to deal with the very idea of making her uncomfortable.

when she pushes a little harder, Heine only hesitates briefly before slightly tightening his grip on Nill's hand to pull her closer. he tilts his head to the side, still moving slowly and gently. ]

[She can feel the string humming on her head, the feeling getting stronger the closer she gets to him. And once he pulls her in, it sort of feels like the vibration is going to make her hand fall off. But it's a good feeling, she thinks, and doesn't resist at all, even if her wings flare slightly from surprise. She hadn't been expecting him to take the initiative that way, but she finds that she doesn't mind. It's easier to kiss him this way, anyway.]

[ he doesn't like the feeling very much, and he's never really liked the idea of being tied to someone by fate. but if it's Nill, then... then maybe he can believe that it's right.

Heine is wavering between unsureness and a quiet moment of actual contentment when he draws back slightly. his expression is questioning, because he's never sure when it comes to things like this. ]

[She doesn't spend much time thinking about fate or similar things. They aren't real enough for her liking. But Heine kissing her right now, and the possibility of being with him--that's incredibly real.

Once he moves away, she does as well, blinking a few times. It finally hits her that she had just kissed Heine, and she can fight neither the grin nor the blush that work their way to her face.]

[ Nill smiles, and if Heine hadn't already been a wreck of feelings that feel unfamiliarly soft and comfortable — like blankets, or an old jacket. he finds himself smiling back, even as he realizes how embarrassed he is. ]

Nill. [ he stops there, unsure of how to proceed, because words are hard. still, he's fine with just holding her hand and sitting there near to her. ]

[Saying that she understands is an understatement. All of this is so new, and it seems to be going so fast. So her nod is meant to convey more than a few things: that it's okay, that he doesn't have to talk, that she isn't going anywhere, that she's comfortable with this if he is.

How much of that he gets is up in the air, but she gives his hand a light squeeze for good measure.]

[ he smiles, soft and gentle in a way that he is only with Nill. he wants to be there with her, but in the back of his mind he's always thinking about what he has to do. ]

I wish I could stay here.

[Her stomach drops. Of course he couldn't actually stay. His visit was just that--a visit. Temporary. The string connecting them is something that would probably bring him back, but he'd have to leave first. Nill takes a deep breath, straightens a little, and nods. She knows. She wishes he could, too.]

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