drear | i will sail to the far shore

[ Maybe not all of the Eames' antagonism comes from Heine getting with Magato rather than himself, but at least some of it does, and that's enough for him. And the argument itself—yeah, that's good. Especially the talk about his dick.

He'll let Heine respond. He'll grant him that much, while smiling back at Eames with just as much sweetness. ]

[ Antsy and feeling worse by the second in the noisy bar, Heine bounces his foot a few more times. Exhaling harshly through his teeth, he looks at Eames once.

It's not about Magato's dick. Or at least it isn't all about his dick. It's just Magato gives him the escape he needs so badly. ]

I'm not cutting everyone out of my life. I'm not—I'm fine.

[ Anger from Eames is met, finally, by a flat look from Heine when he turns to face him head-on. ]

If you want to tell me something then just say it.

[Usually, Eames made it a point not to get wrapped up in people's drama. Watch it from the sidelines, throw in a witty retort or two, but he'd learned his lesson about being sucked into situations where there was no winning. And yet here he was, being buffeted by a storm of it, just taking it. He could get up and walk away at any time, and yet he was rooted to the spot, eyes narrowing.

He could be more delicate, sure, but if Heine wanted him to say his piece, he would.]

You're an a fucking idiot and a poor liar. If you don't want whatever we had, fine. But you could at least talk to Nill more. She's worried about you.

[He drained the last of his drink, getting up, disgusted. He felt his hands shaking with anger, and slowly, he exhaled, forcing himself to unclench them.]

It was nice seeing the two of you again. Hope you have a wonderfully fantastic life together.

[ This time Magato makes no move to stop Eames from leaving. He's had his fun—Heine is sitting under his arm with obvious discomfort on his face.

Poor Eames, really. Magato figures he misses Heine a lot, and he doesn't blame him. Heine's fun. Bit of a drag sometimes, but fun enough to fuck around with. ]

We will, babe, don't worry. Later.

[ He waves lazy fingers at him as he leaves. ]

[ They're not going to have a wonderfully fantastic life together. They don't even have a life together, in the first place, not anything like the relationship he at least had with Eames.

Struck more than anything by how stupid this is, Heine keeps his mouth shut as Eames slams his glass back down and leaves.

He doesn't want to think about this. He doesn't want to imagine what could have been.

When Magato chuckles and whispers into his ear that they should get out of there, Heine just nods. ]

[The last meeting in LA, had in Eames mind, been the last of it. Even if Heine wasn't happy, had looked like a strung out doll, quiet and sunken in next to Magato, he had made his choice. Eames could only watch or care for so long, so he had forced it from his mind. If even Nill couldn't reach him, what could he do?

He had been steeling himself for the next time he saw Heine being on some remembrance slideshow splashed across the news, so when he had gotten a message from Heine that he was in his neck of the woods and wanted to meet up, he was surprised. He had been half tempted to ignore it entirely, and had done so up until the last day Heine was there, struggling with how he felt. But in the end, he wanted to see him, even if Magato was there. Because one of his biggest regrets of the last meeting was not punching Magato in the face.

So, he replied back to say he'd be at the chosen bar at seven, not sure what to expect as he slid into the booth opposite of Heine.]

Hey.

[ That night hadn't been the last one Heine spent with Magato. Far from it. He'd slept at his place for a week straight, only pulling himself up to get work done. He'd been so exhausted after the sex and drugs that he missed parts of his schedule, leading to arguments, leading to worse.

Naoto corners him, finally. She tells him what he admittedly already knows: that he's fucking himself over and all his friends over, including Nill, by staying with Magato. He doesn't even make you happy, Naoto told him straight up. He's just making you more miserable.

Bishop helps him out. Nill talks to him again, because she's an angel, and Heine is a couple of weeks clean when he flies to the east coast with a backpack with his laptop and a few changes of clothes to repair work relationships and non-work relationships as well.

Even if he might not be able to get back to where he was with Eames, Heine can confidently say that he's done with Magato and his lifestyle. If this doesn't work out, it doesn't. At least he'll have tried, which is more than he could say before.

Heine's at the bar ahead of time. He's having a drink, having eaten actual food recently and feeling better because of it. When Eames appears he sits up straighter, hands squeezing on his glass. ]

Hey. [ Ugh. This is hard. ] ...how are you?

[It was strange how different Heine looked since the last time he'd seen him. Like he'd actually gotten sleep and eaten a good meal sometime in the past week. So then it must be true what Badou had told him, that Heine had finally gotten help and out from under Magato's thumb.

The attempt at small talk was so awkward Eames had to shake his head, turning instead to order a drink with the helpful server before turning back to him.]

Not as you I'm guess. Badou told me that you were getting better. I'm glad to see that's true.

[ Eames can shake his head, Heine knows that was awkward. Honestly he deserves worse than that soft disapproval. Knowing Eames, he'll get it eventually. ]

Thanks. [ Not just for being glad for him; Heine continues. ] For still meeting me here.

It's one of the steps to getting better isn't it? Making amends and admitting you were wrong?

[Eames nodded his thanks as his drink was set down in front of him, canting his head to the side curiously.]

Though no one told me what exactly brought on this change of heart.

[ Admitting he was wrong wasn't the hard part. Heine knew he was fucking up while he was doing it. Saying it to Eames, facing him and not knowing how he might respond, that's the worst of it. ]

Couple of things. Naoto threatened to kill me if I didn't do it myself.

[ Heine shrugs slightly, rolling the glass between his palms. ]

Nill was worried. [ You were worried, Heine thinks, but he doesn't say it. ]

[Despite the mixed bag of emotions that he might feel about Heine and whatever had happened between them, there had been a reason he was drawn to him for a reason. The deadpan delivery of that line made him laugh slightly, even as he winced sympathetically.]

Should have known she was the only one who could get through to either of you. She go after Magato too?

[Because that bastard definitely deserved it. He snorted slightly at the mention of Nill, taking a drink.]

All of us were, you know. It's not easy to watch someone go off the rails like that.

Yeah. She already hated him. [ Heine slumps slightly in his seat. Naoto's distaste for her brother (or whatever they are) should have warned him off, but he purposefully blinded himself, at least in the beginning.

Near the end, he was going too far to stop by himself. ]

I think she scared the hell out of Yusuf too.

[Knowing that Naoto had gone after Magato was giving Eames no small amount of satisfaction, and he didn't bother to hide it much, if at all. If there was anyone capable of punishing Magato proper, it was her, and he was always glad to see her vengeance enacted on anyone that wasn't him.

Well, and Yusuf. He frowned slightly at that, because while Yusuf did make the concoctions, he was honestly harmless.]

As long as that's all she did. She didn't hurt him, right?

No. Just told him it wasn't worth dealing to Magato.

[ Yusuf isn't one Magato's main suppliers, but to cut off any connections between Magato and their social circle is for the best. Heine appreciates that from her. Another bit of help that Heine doesn't really deserve. ]

Magato wasn't— [ He wasn't what Heine wanted, he was just convenient then, someone who was an escape more than anything he wanted to run toward.

Heine inhales, then exhales, sighing before he looks up at Eames. ]

I didn't think we'd make it, so... I didn't want to try. [ Fear or simply not knowing kept him from it. ] I didn't tell you the truth. So, sorry.

[That made Eames relax a little, relieved that Yusuf was fine then. He hadn't approved of his dabblings with Magato either, but he also wasn't one to push. Especially since Magato was volatile, and he hadn't been sure how he would retaliate if Yusuf suddenly stopped dealing with him.

But any relief that crossed over his features was short lived, his expression shuttering shut to unreadable as soon as Heine continued to speak. 'Didn't think they'd make it' huh? Hadn't Eames thought the same about countless other relationships? So why did it make him so angry to hear it from Heine.

He tipped his head up to meet Heine's gaze, smile sardonic and a little cruel.]

We didn't, did we, so you were right.

[Because what kind of bullshit was that, that he'd chose Magato for a reason like that?]

But forget it. I'm glad you're getting better. [Because why talk about feelings when he can just deflect?] How long are you staying here?

[ Well, there's the kind of response Heine was readying himself for. Eames' blank expression says anger, and the worst part of it is that Heine can't blame him.

He can, however, not let Eames get away with just taking his apology and not offering any of his own. ]

A week. [ Heine sighs, more loudly this time. ] I know I fucked up, okay? But you didn't exactly give me any time to change my mind, or act like you wanted me to.

[They're really going to do this here, in some shitty bar, in public for anyone to see or hear? Eames squared his shoulders, almost physically rolling them as if he was readying himself for an actual fight. Instead he scoffed back, arching an eyebrow.]

You made your choice, and you made it many times. I'm not so desperate for attention or connections that I need to wait on you or cling to your coattails.

[ Okay, of course Eames is going to be an ass about this. Heine was an asshole too. He's not going to lose his temper. He's not. ]

Yeah, I know you're not. I'm not here to talk to you because I think you need my help.

[ He's here for himself and for Eames, not for either of their careers. ]

Do you really think I wanted to be with Magato? I didn't know you would give me another chance, since you left right after we talked.

You didn't exactly try to convince me you wanted to try.

[It really was admirable how Heine was keeping his cool in this situation, whereas Eames felt like he was showing far too much, making his hand way too obvious. He clicked his tongue slightly, aggravated but trying to keep his voice steady. And failing miserably.]

And how long should I have waited? Into you might possibly get sober? Until you told me you weren't actually interested three times?

[ With the way Eames is reacting, Heine can see exactly why he gave up in the first place. Eames wanted him then, he could tell, and Heine couldn't reconcile that want with a long-term relationship. Even now he's not sure if he can.

But if Eames is going to get so fired up, it means he still cares. ]

What about telling me you wouldn't ignore me if I ever tried to talk to you again? You barely wanted to meet me tonight. A few months ago I was only hearing about you from other people, so it's not like I felt like I could try to talk to you again.

[While it's certainly cathartic to do the blame slinging game, it also wasn't giving Eames a reason to stay. And still, somehow, after all this time he desperately wanted one. So with effort, he stopped himself from snapping back, taking a deep breath.]

Then what is it you wanted to say back then? Feel free to tell me now.

[ Given the chance, he has to say it, and as hard as it is—it's hard for both of them... and this is what he wanted all along. A chance to tell Eames what he meant. ]

I did want to be with you. I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough. [ Heine shrugs, feeling tired, almost helpless. ]

I do want to try. With actual talking between us this time.

[As someone who would rather be passive aggressive than straight forward, who would rather talk delicate circles around issues than confront them, Heine's honesty was the last thing he was expecting. He was stunned into silence for a few moments, gauging Heine's expression, which was as vulnerable as it was tired.

Now that Heine had laid his cards on the table, Eames should do the same. But after being 'rejected' before, he wasn't sure if he could trust this. If he could trust Heine or himself. But Heine wasn't entirely to blame in all of this. Eames hadn't tried either, that much he could admit to himself. Besides, he had only two choices: to accept this for what it was and try or to go back to being miserable.

It wasn't that difficult of a choice. Rubbing his face tiredly, he let out a shuddering sigh.]

I didn't try enough either, so- So this time let's try. I can't promise this won't crash and burn, but at least this time we can say we tried.

[ The silence is painfully long. It's nothing like the comfortable quiet that lasted between them before in the mornings when Heine was sleeping in his bed on the East Coast, or after a lazy dinner before he went back to the airport for a red eye flight.

This is worse, so much worse. Heine almost starts when Eames speaks to him, pinning him with a sharp look over the table.

But he won't make the mistake of doubting him again. ]

Okay. [ He relaxes slowly back into his seat. They'll both try this time. It'll be different, even if it isn't good, and Eames is right: at least they can say they've tried. ]

I did miss you.

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TIME SKIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

:^)

/insert andrew garfield shaking his head eating ice cream emote here

can you please just let me live

what do you think i'm doing

bullying me??

i'm just innocently tagging this thread you wanted how is that bullying

you know... but i give up

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