drear | give me a miracle, i just want out from this

[ we? noiz didn't agree to this. but nor does he raise a protest. he stays next to mon. when the question comes, he stays still, except for his eyes sliding away from the rabbit and up to mon's face. ]

I didn't name it. [ long story short— ] I just called her rabbit in German. And she died after a few months.

[ noiz's current project might sound more creative at first glance, usagimodoki, but that's just pseudo-rabbit in japanese, because it's not a realistic rabbit. he definitely hadn't had more of an imagination when he was young. ]

You should probably keep this one away from me.

Oh....I'm sorry.

[ he knows that it's a pale thing to say but he also truly feels sadness and apologetic as well, even though it's nowhere near his fault. mon always feels sorry when sad things happen though, especially to the people he likes. he might have said something else about it but noiz's next words catch him completely off guard and he stares. ]

K-keep him ...away from you?

[ mon tilts his head, peering carefully at noiz. while he's not so confident he'd say he can 'read' noiz, he feels he's at least honed his sort of noiz-oriented sixth sense a bit better, enough to feel around in the silence and add, softly, ]

Will you tell me...why you feel that way?

[ noiz doesn't do or say anything in response to the questioning tone, nor the actual question at first. by this point he thinks mon should... understand, or at least be able to guess: noiz isn't safe to be around. particularly as a defenseless little rabbit.

mon's pretty defenseless himself. ]

Because I hurt things. I don't know how to be careful with animals.

[ ah. in a way, mon knows, and in another way he himself doesn't associate noiz with harm as an inevitable or a likelihood despite that. ]

Well...would you... like to try? Ah not to say you aren't trying...er... I mean. With me here, it's okay isn't it? I mean, I can hold him and when he's calm y-you could at least...pet him? Not that you have to! I just...

[ mon babbles, rather incurably, if out of a good place in his heart. but the nerves get in the way, and maybe he's making no sense -- this is where his mind has gotten as he trails off awkwardly, face pink with embarrassment. he wants to be supportive, and helpful. maybe noiz is or has been harmful to others, but mon thinks if an exception has happened once it can happen again. ]

[ right now the rabbit is safe, sure, but noiz is already somewhat darkly imagining an accidental treading. ]

My parents were around when they got me that rabbit.

[ admittedly, they're the same people that gave up on him before he turned ten. noiz has slowly settled into understanding that that wasn't normal behavior either. with mon, things are different and he's different.

he finally leans over and rests his head on mon's shoulder. his problems can come later. if ever. ]

You should pet him first. I bet you want to. [ his whole weight comes onto mon's side. ] I can see it in your face.

S-still...

[ there's a soft silence before noiz settles his head against mon's shoulder, the gesture which floods mon with relief and warmth. with the rabbit comfortably supported on his lap, one hand still very very lightly resting on the hoodie it's bundled in, he raises the one closest to noiz to bring up to his hair. it's sort of a pet, sort of just running his fingers through his hair. he can't explain it exactly, but there is something about noiz that always makes mon want to look out for him, which noiz would find funny probably -- or weird. it's so often mon who needs help.

but there are many ways to look out for someone.

when he suggests petting the rabbit, mon hums thoughtfully, fingers stilling at noiz's nape. ]

Do you mind?

[ he asks of the rabbit who is rather asleep, and softly, softly pets along the tiny bit of his back exposed by the opening of the hoodie, where it's fallen open just a little. the rabbit doesn't jerk awake or bolt and mon is gratified in a way he knows is probably silly. that's fine. ]

Why was it ...I mean why did your parents get you the rabbit?

[ the question is tentative. and he adds, ]

Not that you have to tell me, if you don't want to.

Edited (* reason of question not written right OTL) 2020-12-03 17:32 (UTC)

[ mon's small hand casts an equally small shadow. noiz's eyelids drop lower as it falls over his eyes. he lets his whole body melt against mon's side as his fingers card through his hair. there's nothing to feel, the touch is so light, but he knows what it means. he can relax.

noiz stays where he is while mon shifts to the rabbit. his pinkish eyes are slightly open, but he barely twitches when mon strokes him. is he asleep? a new leaf of curiosity unfurls in his chest. ]

I said I wanted one. [ that wasn't their fault. noiz was fascinated by rabbits, at that age. ] They took me out of school, so I was alone at home. But I was allowed to go outside with her.

[ after a moment's thought he adds, ] You probably shouldn't bring this one outside. Might run off to a dumpster again.

Why did they take you out of school...?

[this, mon asks before the suggestion about not taking the rabbit out, to which he nods with a soft hum that noiz is right about that. maybe not even so much that he would run there but he might end up back in that place and that's rather the opposite of what mon wants.

sometimes mon feels bad, that he can't kill his reflexive nature to pet or touch lightly. it's always been his way, and it means a lot to him that even the gesture in and of itself, even if it can't truly be felt, is appreciated for its intent.

the rabbit, meanwhile, truly is asleep. maybe he was exhausted, is what mon thinks, from fear, as well as other things. he can almost feel the energy of it if he concentrates. ]

[ leaning against mon's side, noiz is tall enough to stay mostly above him, his ear and its piercings pressing into the top of his head. he moves again to wrap his arm around the back of his shoulders. ]

They worried I would hurt another kid and cause trouble. [ trouble would've been embarrassing, the worst of all outcomes. noiz slides sideways on the couch, lowering himself until he can nuzzle into the side of his neck. he mumbles, looking at the rabbit, ]

Bet you've never been in trouble.

[ mon hasn't forgotten how hesitant he was before to let noiz be close to him, but the difference now is that that's a ship long since sailed. he likes noiz and the comfort conveyed simply by the presence of his arm around him is something he wouldn't give up too easily these days. it's selfish, he knows, perhaps not unlike how he wants to keep this rabbit; selfish even if in the case of the rabbit it's also for his own good. mon isn't sure if he's good for noiz. but he hopes he's not bad, at least.

listening to him, as often he finds himself thinking, he wonders if he could piece together all the things that hurt noiz when he was younger, he'd be able to give him the kindness to balance those scales. but it feels intrusive to pry so he just continues to take in these little facts along the line and commit them to memory.

he can't help but giggle though at the last sentiment. his mouth quirks upward, sheepish but warm. ]

I'm sure he hasn't.

[ it's possible noiz was talking to him, mon realizes, but it's cute to think he's talking to the rabbit so that's what he says and then adds, gently, ]

Anyway. You're not going to hurt him. You don't hurt me.

[ his point might seem silly but he doesn't mind being seen as silly. it's the truth. they aren't literally the same but mon constantly feels like he wants to impress upon noiz ...what exactly? that he doesn't have to be afraid of himself? is that too presumptuous? well. maybe. ]

[ he hasn't hurt mon so far. noiz nuzzles deeper into his neck, hearing that little smile in his voice. mon smells faintly like the flower shop, a soft floral lacing his clothes. noiz reiterates, to clarify, ]

I was talking about you. Not getting in trouble. Ever.

[ the rabbit seems to be fully asleep even though they're talking. noiz decides to not move. it's because he wants to be selfish and hold onto mon, not because of the rabbit. ]

What's the most inoffensive thing ever? That's what you are. [ he turns his head so his chin presses lightly into his shoulder. ] Vanilla.

[ if he was telepathic, mon would correct him: and you won't. over time, maybe, he'll be able to convince noiz of that even without reading his mind, however. he can't help but laugh a little at the clarification. ]

O-oh. Well. Hmm.

[ mon actually has to think about that. nothing comes to mind immediately, and when noiz categorizes him with 'vanilla' he can't argue it. he doesn't mind either. some people might find mon boring or weak seeming, but mon doesn't feel particularly boring or weak.

he feels kind of happy, in fact.

noiz. the rabbit. the warmth here.

he likes it. ]

I'm sure I'm offensive to someone.

[ plenty of people, actually. but he knows that's not what noiz is talking about. ]

But I'm glad I'm not to you.

[ he turns his head enough that he can kiss whatever part of noiz's face is closest. maybe he can't feel it, too light, but it happens nonetheless. the rabbit in mon's lap is, without a doubt, very much asleep. ]

[ there's nothing wrong with a good vanilla flavor. noiz can appreciate it. and even though he did say mon is harmless, he also remembers being thrown off by his behavior earlier on.

sometimes mon's actions are still beyond his comprehension, admittedly. noiz just knows now that they're never motivated by malice. ]

Yeah. [ mon's kiss lands on his cheek. ] I actually like you or something.

[ he figures they're in a position where the rabbit won't get jostled when he turns to properly face him. after he does, he presses his lips to the side of mon's cheek gently. he draws lower to kiss his mouth, before tugging lightly on his lower lip with his teeth. ]

Are you going to let the rabbit sleep in your bed?

[ the sentiment of liking him gets another soft laugh but as always, it's incredibly fond. mon brightens with the kiss to his cheek and makes a soft sound when noiz moves to his mouth. it's a half sigh half quiet gasp that melts into a murmur. ]

I'm not sure. I don't...know a lot about rabbits here. I just want him to be comfortable and safe. I guess, to start, a cage might be better...

[ a smaller, more controllable, less unknown space. that's true at least for other animals mon has dealt with, especially ones acclimating to inside-lives. the stray cat he was able to convince the florist to take in, for example, stayed curiously in her cage for the first month or so, and experienced all the smells and sounds of the shop with none of the danger of being stepped on or fleeing and never being found again.

not that it would be easy for the rabbit to flee here, but being underfoot is always a potential danger.

one of mon's hands stays gently steady against the rabbit who continues to sleep soundly. the other hand smooths along the side of noiz's face as mon angles closer for another kiss. ]

Put him in the bathroom for tonight.

[ for his own safety. and because noiz wants to be able to sleep in the bed next to mon without any risk of hurting another rabbit. it's the most practical way. if it is selfish, it's because noiz is selfish. he's aware of it.

he tilts his head slightly under mon's hand. another kiss comes slowly, without any need to rush. he punctuates its end with a quiet sound and dips back in for another before something else comes to mind. ]

What about food?

I wonder if he'll be okay...I could lay down towels and things I guess, to make it softer and cozier...

[ he says this of course not really knowing if that even makes sense, but to have the rabbit in a controlled area is honestly a good idea, period. without a cage, the bathroom is the most contained. mon thinks about this a little more even as he ends up inevitably distracted by noiz's kiss, and then noiz's very very good question.

mon blinks. ]

It's probably too late right now...I...he'll be okay until tomorrow. I think.

[ a pause, a thoughtful hum. ]

But I can also put out some lettuce? I'll tear it into small pieces...and put it in the bathroom with him. Maybe...?

[ again, he has this sense he's saying something very stupid but he honestly doesn't know what's truly 'right' for a rabbit. he'd kind of hoped whatever pet store he found tomorrow might give him the simplest shotgun rabbits 101 course ever...

they're still very close, so their noses brush and it uncoils a little of mon's anxiety. he smiles. ]

W-we'll figure it out.

[ then he kisses the tip of noiz's nose and leans back enough to peer down at the rabbit -- still quite asleep.

he looks at noiz. ]

Do you mind holding him? Just for a second? While I get the bathroom ready?

[ if...noiz is sincerely too uncomfortable he would understand, but then he might need to ask noiz to set out all the towels and stuff... ]

[ putting it off until tomorrow, waiting for the next day, doesn't sound like a bad idea at all. he presses forward to kiss mon again, trying to brush that uncertainty away for him.

then, of course, it's his turn to dither. noiz would never admit that he's dithering, but he hesitates and doesn't say anything for a second. ]

If you carry him to the bathroom first.

[ noiz can hold him under supervision. he waits for mon to lead the way, but once he starts moving noiz follows a step behind. after nudging the door open with his foot, he shifts back to make room, not exactly making his arms available as a landing space.

he doesn't know what to do next. ]

[ even if mon notices said dithering, he knows better than to call noiz out on it and that's never been monday's style anyway (with a few exceptions!) he's gratified enough that noiz agrees in any capacity, happy to follow him and wait for him to get even vaguely comfortable before transferring the rabbit to his arms or his lap -- whichever is easiest and safest seeming. ]

Just a minute.

[ he promises then ducks out. true to his word, he's back with the blanket from his bed and his two coats. the blanket goes on the floor and the coats line the tub. mon works around noiz accordingly. he's not sure if the rabbit will even want to move around much but at least it won't be cold tile anymore.

when he's done, he sits back on his heels, peering up at noiz and the rabbit with a smile. ]

There we go. This should be okay for one night.

[ noiz sits first. it decreases possible dropping distance. the rabbit stirs slightly when moved to his lap, awakening enough to raise his head and sniff at the air before tucking his legs back under himself and looking like a loaf of unbaked bread.

he barely breathes. even after the bathroom is set up, he only opens his arms to make space for the rabbit to hop down. ]

Do you know if rabbits get lonely?

[ dogs and cats do. even noiz does, once in a while. after the rabbit slips off of his lap, he gets to his feet and stands carefully behind mon again. he circles his waist with his arms. the rabbit hops in small circles, finally retreating to a corner. ]

What if he pisses on your coat?

[ mon is glad to see that the rabbit at least is comfortable enough to find a soft spot he prefers and then hunker down again. a little more watching and he truly does seem to be asleep or nearly there. noiz's arms around him these days are a familiar feeling and he leans back fully against him. ]

Oh um....well I'll just wash it. It's fine. I....I want him to be comfortable and also not cold, so...

[ when he trails off, mon tilts his head and turns just enough to peer up at noiz, a soft smile there. ]

He seems okay with it for now at least. I'm relieved. [a pause and then he turns a little more just enough to angle a kiss that's probably too light but well intended, against noiz's mouth. ]

Thank you for holding him.

[ noiz should have predicted that mon would prioritize the rabbit over his coat. he stays at his back, only moving to meet the kiss.

obviously mon's taking on most of the burden, so noiz doesn't reply to the thanks outside of making a sound of acknowledgment. after the door to the bathroom is closed he tries to rotate them both around towards the bedroom. ]

I was waiting for you. [ whenever he's in mon's apartment, his goal is to see him. ] And if you're going to the pet store first thing in the morning, we should get to bed early.

[ mon follows noiz's lead very naturally, an easy being to be guided honestly, part nature and part trust. the smile he offers noiz is a soft one, warm the way some smiles are when someone says something that makes you happy. ]

Yep, [ confirmation of his early morning plans, and, ] --did you want to come with me?

[ there's always the given that noiz can say no and it won't be any poor reflection one way or the other. it's more that mon wants him to know his presence is a thing that's wanted, if he also wants to be there whether here in the apartment or out on domestic errands or anything else.

the bedroom is close because the apartment isn't large at all, and when the backs of mon's knees touch the edge of the bed, he sinks back and down reflexively, his hands on noiz's shoulders perhaps enough to draw him down with him. ]

[ noiz isn't shy about sticking close to his side, arms around mon, because he knows that mon is being genuine when he asks if he wants to come along—to the pet store or to the bedroom. ]

Yeah. [ as they reach the bed, noiz goes down with him. he puts his hands down on the bed on either side of mon to keep himself from landing on top of him. ]

Wake me up when you're going to go. [ knees come to the bed next. noiz hovers above him, looking for an indication in his face of the trust that he knows is there. he's still not sure what he did to deserve this. ] I'll help you carry things.

[ if he knew that was what noiz was thinking, mon would tell him that he's been kind to mon, that he's helped him, that mon likes being around him and feels sad when he doesn't see him for whatever reason. he would tell him things that maybe don't equate to 'what is deserved' but to mon it's not about that anyway. it's about how he's sort of sure noiz doesn't realize how sweet he is, or even think of it that way even if mon does. and it's about things like 'i'll help you carry things'.

with noiz hovering over him, it's easy to reach up with one hand and smooth it along his jaw and up to the corner where it's easy to curl. mon's hand is small but warm, and when he smiles up at noiz, that's also warm. ]

Sure. And thanks. Ah...you know...

[ a pause, a thought, and mon smiles a little wider until his eyes close. ]

...I'm really happy.

[ because this should never be taken for granted, because people should never be expected to read each other's minds whether human or demon or angel. mon keeps a lot of things to himself, darker things, sad things. but he tries to make up for it by sharing the other pieces that mean something to him. ]

[ because mon's eyes close, he won't see noiz's brow soften. he doesn't smile. he knows mon is being gentle, even though he can't actually feel anything, and he curves down over him until his face is in the crook of mon's neck. ]

Right now? [ they're not doing anything. they've barely done anything since mon came back, other than take care of the rabbit, and though that was fine, it wasn't fun. was it? noiz rubs his nose into his neck, inhaling his smell quietly. ]

What's there to be happy about? [ he asks, a genuine question because noiz doesn't know how to describe neutral-to-good interactions, even now that he knows there's nothing underneath them to fear. ] We're not doing anything.

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